I have been slowly bouncing back from my crash. And, like always, it isn't a nice, neat, steady progression. It has to come in ups and downs and downs and then an up and then a down again - often all in the same day.
Something along the way triggered enough stress to affect my PCOS (poly-cystic ovary syndrome) and trigger a mini period and the hormone changes that go with it. I am on Depo to keep me from having periods at all because the hormone fluctuation were making me downright suicidal - literally - for a week out of the month. Not good. I've been on the Depo for about a year and a half and it has been going well most of the time. I haven't had my system overwhelm it in about 6 months.
Of course, with hormone changes come skin breakouts (I'm 44, damn it, not 16!) and mood swings. I will be down and uncommunicative all morning, then have an up cycle where I get a bunch of projects done, like changing the pictures on my bedroom wall or washing my laundry. Then I'll crash and burn, take a nap, and spend the evening staring at whatever is on Netflix. Oh, and I've gained another 5 pounds. Thanks, hormones. It is bad enough that at least three of my meds can cause weight gain. I obsessively watch what I eat, but it is still creeping up. My primary doctor says he's not too concerned because my blood pressure is good and I don't LOOK like I weigh 217 pounds, but I can feel it on my poor arthritic feet, ankles and knees. I'd hate to think of how heavy I would be if I at only junk food. Yikes!
Anyway, I think I'm pulling past the hormone fluxes. Please let me be getting past it. Last night I had my trichotillomania rear its ugly head. I can't pull my hair, of course, since it is in a buzz cut. But my eyelashes are fair game. It is so frustrating to be sitting there yelling at myself to stop it, but I can't. It's like my physical actions are completely separate from what my brain is telling my body to do. So, I know have almost no eyelashes. Again. And my eyes are sore. Again. And I am frustrated. Again.
So that's my life for the past week or so. Going up. Going down.
I have lived with depression, anxiety, and schizophrenia most of my life. Recent years have added autoimmune disorders and chronic pain. My life is a battlefield as my mind and body team up against me. But there is hope - there has to be hope - and I am breaking the stigma of Mental Illness.
Friday, August 26, 2016
Sunday, August 21, 2016
Crash Day
I have had a streak of good days. I have had energy. I have been able to think straight. I got some projects done and did yoga 4 days in a row. It was wonderful.
The only downside was that nagging knowledge that it wouldn't last. Good days are wonderful, but they are always followed by a crash.
This morning I thought I was still riding the good wave. I got up a bit before 10 and thought maybe I would head to the grocery store after my morning coffee kicked in. I did my usual morning things, had breakfast - and crashed. It is what I call a failure to launch. Even with the coffee there is a bone-deep exhaustion that I just can't kick.
I ended up going back to bed after breakfast and slept 3 more hours. I had some more coffee and felt a bit better. The nagging pain in my ribs and back were fading (If I do my yoga stretching too many days in a row it triggers my costochondritis) and I felt a little more awake. I played games for a bit and had lunch - and crashed. My arthritis would not fade. It is still doing it now, that deep, severe ache that doesn't move or change whether I'm moving or lying down. I tried to walk it off, but my ankles were full of grating sand and the pain just wouldn't go down. I had to take extra pain meds and then I ended up taking a nap for another two hours.
I got up in time to make dinner on schedule. I ate, crashed in front of the TV (I couldn't focus well enough to read) and fought the desire to go back to bed. I am still fighting it, and my joints are still hurting and I am trying hard to keep the physical crash from turning into a mental one as well.
I guess I can take hope from the fact that I had several good days before the crash instead of the usual one or two. I can hope that it means I am improving. Only time - and a bunch of sleep - will tell.
The only downside was that nagging knowledge that it wouldn't last. Good days are wonderful, but they are always followed by a crash.
This morning I thought I was still riding the good wave. I got up a bit before 10 and thought maybe I would head to the grocery store after my morning coffee kicked in. I did my usual morning things, had breakfast - and crashed. It is what I call a failure to launch. Even with the coffee there is a bone-deep exhaustion that I just can't kick.
I ended up going back to bed after breakfast and slept 3 more hours. I had some more coffee and felt a bit better. The nagging pain in my ribs and back were fading (If I do my yoga stretching too many days in a row it triggers my costochondritis) and I felt a little more awake. I played games for a bit and had lunch - and crashed. My arthritis would not fade. It is still doing it now, that deep, severe ache that doesn't move or change whether I'm moving or lying down. I tried to walk it off, but my ankles were full of grating sand and the pain just wouldn't go down. I had to take extra pain meds and then I ended up taking a nap for another two hours.
I got up in time to make dinner on schedule. I ate, crashed in front of the TV (I couldn't focus well enough to read) and fought the desire to go back to bed. I am still fighting it, and my joints are still hurting and I am trying hard to keep the physical crash from turning into a mental one as well.
I guess I can take hope from the fact that I had several good days before the crash instead of the usual one or two. I can hope that it means I am improving. Only time - and a bunch of sleep - will tell.
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
Video Entry: We need rethink how we see mental illness
Friday, August 12, 2016
No More Tumblr
OK. I was going through my Tumblr and copying posts to this blog so I could cancel my Tumblr account. Well, if you have been paying attention, that came to a standstill. I was triggering and hitting overload from reading the old posts, especially when I would read several at a time. So that project is dead. If it was on Tumblr, it is now officially gone. I know there was some good stuff on there, but I just can't do it.
My brain can't handle looking so closely at the past. So instead we will look forward. Onward and hopefully upward.
My brain can't handle looking so closely at the past. So instead we will look forward. Onward and hopefully upward.
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