I came across this article that was published in Norway that addresses the issue of decreased life expectancy in people with schizophrenia. The writer stated the facts at hand - all of the facts - including the fact that schizophrenia takes more lives than heart disease or cancer, yet little to nothing is done socially to fix this.
Schizophrenia is more than just a mental disease, a fact that I am intimately familiar with. Yet it is treated in a vacuum. This needs to change.
You can read the article here.
Showing posts with label Struggle. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Struggle. Show all posts
Monday, June 10, 2019
Tuesday, September 20, 2016
Enough, already
I have learned the hard way over the years that there is never a quick fix for anything. But come on! 2 1/2 weeks and I still can't sit up straight and the pain is killing me.
These past couple weeks have brought me closer to suicidal than anything has in years. Apparently having swelling and narrowing of the colon is not something that you can fix fast. I am still on the increased dosage of Tramadol, but that just isn't taking the pain down. And now my back is killing me because I am unconsciously hunching over and it is pulling muscles in my back and ribs. Having constant pain for this long has me depressed and anxious and my tolerance is not there any more.
I had yet another doctor appointment yesterday, this time with my primary physician. He, of course, has been read in on the situation. He explained that since we don't know exactly what is causing the problems - and we won't until they do the colonoscopy - he can't put me on stronger pain meds. Apparently they can cause more problems than they fix. The trick, he said, is to keep the colon working smoothly and any kind of opioid will cause it to jam up instead, which will put pressure on the swollen, painful areas and cause even more pain.
So, we are doing a bunch of other things that hopefully should bring the pain down in a few days, but aren't helping me much right now. I am on MiraLax to keep things going nice a smooth so that the colon doesn't get more irritated. And I am now on 2 different antibiotics. There is no overt indication of infection, but there might be one. And the antibiotics also work as anti-inflammatories, so that should help. I just need to give them a few days to do their work.
In the meantime I am grasping. And I am confused and scared and angry. I am still as stubborn as hell and make myself keep going despite the pain. I still drag my self out of bed, make myself eat breakfast, force myself to get dressed and pretend to do something productive. Because that's what I do. Sitting around sobbing isn't an option. It's not productive. Same with lying in bed all day. If I'm going to be depressed, I'll do it while sipping coffee and reading a book, not curled up with my head under the covers.
On the other hand, I have hit the point several times where the pain is so bad I just can't do it. I am curled up on the couch saying "I can't do this" over and over in my head. It is those times when I consider breaking into my mom's morphine stash and just taking a handful. Either it will bring the pain down so I can sleep, really sleep. Or it will stop the pain altogether and I can SLEEP. All of it, the pain, the depression, the anxiety, the fear, the confusion - all of it will end.
Fortunately I have had something to distract me from those thoughts before they get too overpowering. One of the cats will jump up on me and start purring. I will think about my niece whose birthday is this week and I would miss seeing her blossom into a beautiful young woman. I get a message from one of my wonderful friends just to say hi and to send me virtual hugs. These little things help me hold on just a bit longer.
Hanging on. Still hanging on.
These past couple weeks have brought me closer to suicidal than anything has in years. Apparently having swelling and narrowing of the colon is not something that you can fix fast. I am still on the increased dosage of Tramadol, but that just isn't taking the pain down. And now my back is killing me because I am unconsciously hunching over and it is pulling muscles in my back and ribs. Having constant pain for this long has me depressed and anxious and my tolerance is not there any more.
I had yet another doctor appointment yesterday, this time with my primary physician. He, of course, has been read in on the situation. He explained that since we don't know exactly what is causing the problems - and we won't until they do the colonoscopy - he can't put me on stronger pain meds. Apparently they can cause more problems than they fix. The trick, he said, is to keep the colon working smoothly and any kind of opioid will cause it to jam up instead, which will put pressure on the swollen, painful areas and cause even more pain.
So, we are doing a bunch of other things that hopefully should bring the pain down in a few days, but aren't helping me much right now. I am on MiraLax to keep things going nice a smooth so that the colon doesn't get more irritated. And I am now on 2 different antibiotics. There is no overt indication of infection, but there might be one. And the antibiotics also work as anti-inflammatories, so that should help. I just need to give them a few days to do their work.
In the meantime I am grasping. And I am confused and scared and angry. I am still as stubborn as hell and make myself keep going despite the pain. I still drag my self out of bed, make myself eat breakfast, force myself to get dressed and pretend to do something productive. Because that's what I do. Sitting around sobbing isn't an option. It's not productive. Same with lying in bed all day. If I'm going to be depressed, I'll do it while sipping coffee and reading a book, not curled up with my head under the covers.
On the other hand, I have hit the point several times where the pain is so bad I just can't do it. I am curled up on the couch saying "I can't do this" over and over in my head. It is those times when I consider breaking into my mom's morphine stash and just taking a handful. Either it will bring the pain down so I can sleep, really sleep. Or it will stop the pain altogether and I can SLEEP. All of it, the pain, the depression, the anxiety, the fear, the confusion - all of it will end.
Fortunately I have had something to distract me from those thoughts before they get too overpowering. One of the cats will jump up on me and start purring. I will think about my niece whose birthday is this week and I would miss seeing her blossom into a beautiful young woman. I get a message from one of my wonderful friends just to say hi and to send me virtual hugs. These little things help me hold on just a bit longer.
Hanging on. Still hanging on.
Sunday, August 21, 2016
Crash Day
I have had a streak of good days. I have had energy. I have been able to think straight. I got some projects done and did yoga 4 days in a row. It was wonderful.
The only downside was that nagging knowledge that it wouldn't last. Good days are wonderful, but they are always followed by a crash.
This morning I thought I was still riding the good wave. I got up a bit before 10 and thought maybe I would head to the grocery store after my morning coffee kicked in. I did my usual morning things, had breakfast - and crashed. It is what I call a failure to launch. Even with the coffee there is a bone-deep exhaustion that I just can't kick.
I ended up going back to bed after breakfast and slept 3 more hours. I had some more coffee and felt a bit better. The nagging pain in my ribs and back were fading (If I do my yoga stretching too many days in a row it triggers my costochondritis) and I felt a little more awake. I played games for a bit and had lunch - and crashed. My arthritis would not fade. It is still doing it now, that deep, severe ache that doesn't move or change whether I'm moving or lying down. I tried to walk it off, but my ankles were full of grating sand and the pain just wouldn't go down. I had to take extra pain meds and then I ended up taking a nap for another two hours.
I got up in time to make dinner on schedule. I ate, crashed in front of the TV (I couldn't focus well enough to read) and fought the desire to go back to bed. I am still fighting it, and my joints are still hurting and I am trying hard to keep the physical crash from turning into a mental one as well.
I guess I can take hope from the fact that I had several good days before the crash instead of the usual one or two. I can hope that it means I am improving. Only time - and a bunch of sleep - will tell.
The only downside was that nagging knowledge that it wouldn't last. Good days are wonderful, but they are always followed by a crash.
This morning I thought I was still riding the good wave. I got up a bit before 10 and thought maybe I would head to the grocery store after my morning coffee kicked in. I did my usual morning things, had breakfast - and crashed. It is what I call a failure to launch. Even with the coffee there is a bone-deep exhaustion that I just can't kick.
I ended up going back to bed after breakfast and slept 3 more hours. I had some more coffee and felt a bit better. The nagging pain in my ribs and back were fading (If I do my yoga stretching too many days in a row it triggers my costochondritis) and I felt a little more awake. I played games for a bit and had lunch - and crashed. My arthritis would not fade. It is still doing it now, that deep, severe ache that doesn't move or change whether I'm moving or lying down. I tried to walk it off, but my ankles were full of grating sand and the pain just wouldn't go down. I had to take extra pain meds and then I ended up taking a nap for another two hours.
I got up in time to make dinner on schedule. I ate, crashed in front of the TV (I couldn't focus well enough to read) and fought the desire to go back to bed. I am still fighting it, and my joints are still hurting and I am trying hard to keep the physical crash from turning into a mental one as well.
I guess I can take hope from the fact that I had several good days before the crash instead of the usual one or two. I can hope that it means I am improving. Only time - and a bunch of sleep - will tell.
Thursday, July 7, 2016
Struggling to Float
Published to Tumblr February 8, 2016
This is actually the perfect analogy for me - because I don’t float. I had swimming lessons as a kid and it was the most frustrating thing because I had to struggle every moment just to stay on top of the water. The teacher would be right next to me while I did the dead man’s float and she was as frustrated as I was that I would end up in the perfect pose, only about a foot below the surface.
My life is the same way. If I try to just take it easy and float along, I drown. Every single moment of every single day I have to struggle to stay above the surface.
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