Thrown completely off balance.

I have mentioned before the need to integrate health care so that mental illnesses and physical illnesses are treated equally and together. But beyond that, we also need to acknowledge that even the simplest physical problems can throw a person with a mental illness toward a breakdown or psychosis.

I have been recovering from major surgery and I have been very proud of myself that I haven't had a major breakdown despite the pain and medication problems. One trick was that I was able to stay on my medication and meal schedule, which helped keep me on an even keel.

Well, now I am attempting to recover from the flu and all bets are off. Most people with the flu worry about secondary infections and spreading it to their kids. For me, the flu turns into a full blown war zone with my own body. Forget secondary infections, I have to deal with my own immune system going completely haywire. My sinuses run light a water tap and drain into my lungs, making me cough. The coughing fit will turn into gagging because of the mucus at the back of my throat and my super-sensitive gag reflex will turn it into retching and then full-on vomiting. It gets worse when I try to lay down, so my sleep is severely disrupted. My autoimmune circulatory problems mean I will be running a fever, but my hands and feet will be so cold they are turning blue. My body tries to even things out, and I will swap from shivering to sweating in 10-minute cycles. And then there is the urticaria. The overheated skin triggers my immune system to attack itself in my skin and I break out in itchy welts that just radiate heat. Benedryl and other antihistamines do nothing and hydrocortisone cream can only do so much.

Last night it hit the tipping point and I held on literally by my fingernails. I had been vomiting for 3 days and so the ingestion of my meds was iffy. As a result, I could feel myself getting shaky, physically and mentally. I was dizzy and sick from not being able to keep food down and my skin was so itchy and on fire I was starting to fall into the delusion of having worms under my skin. Yes, this is the fun delusion that landed me in the hospital 3 years ago. I started sobbing, but that made me start coughing again and I sat dry heaving over a wastebasket for I don't know how long.

I was losing it and I know it. I tried some steady breathing and just tried to keep everything calm. I had already pulled out all my eyelashes and I have no hair to pull so I had to outlet for the pain. Skin gouging was only making it worse because of the urticaria. Finally, after scratching one spot so hard it bled, I got my nail clippers and file and very slowly, carefully, and deliberately cut all my fingernails as short as possible. Then with the same deliberation I filed them smooth. I think it took me almost an hour, and it gave me something to focus on that was actually kind of helpful.

I still can't help scratching at the welts on my skin, but with no sharp nails it bruises instead of cuts. I threw up my breakfast this morning, but so far I have kept my dinner in place. Gatorade is helping with the dizziness. I am still sick and miserable and really close to going completely psychotic - all from a virus. I am taking it moment by moment. And I am praying I can sleep tonight.