Self Care Is A Hard Thing

One major issue I have is taking care of myself. When I have a good day, I can do laundry, cook, take a shower, make the bed, etc. On a bad day the quote "I am out bed and dressed, what more do you want" is valid.

I have always had good times and bad. After all, I have dealt with depression since I hit puberty at age 11 and my schizophrenia hit early in my late teens. It was the 80s and big hair was a big thing. On good days I would spend 30 minutes at least doing hair and makeup before school. On bad days it was a French braid and no makeup. Later on the pattern continued. Good days meant styled hair and bad days meant a hat or a braid. It was actually a relief to have a job that required a uniform because that meant I didn't have to decide what to wear. 

When I had my major crash 8 years ago, all self care went to hell. Yes, I had crashed before, but the brain recovers a lot faster when you are 20 than it does when you are 40. I still haven't recovered from that crash and I have had to reconcile with myself that I will never recover but instead will need to learn to be a new person. 

I moved in with my parents shortly after my crash and that first year or so is a haze. I would get up one day and realize I had been wearing the same pajamas for 3 or 4 days and couldn't remember when my last shower was. I lived off of re-made meals that just needed to be microwaved and because I had no appetite I would forget to eat. I was a complete mess and I'm surprised my parents didn't just throw me in the shower themselves. I had horrible acne because I wasn't washing my face and because of my poor diet, my psoriasis was out of control. My hair was a disaster because of the trichotillomania and I was badly scarred because of the dermotillomania. 

When I finally realized how bad it was, I started setting alarms on my phone. The first ones were for my medications so I wouldn't forget to take them. Then I set alarms to remind myself to eat. Next, I divided my wardrobe into day clothes and pajamas. Yes, my day clothes were still yoga pants and t-shirts, but at least I was getting dressed every day. I eventually got a week-by-week calendar and started logging when I would get up in the morning, how I felt, when I took anxiety meds, when I took extra meds, and when I would shower. 

I still keep that journal. I have come a long way since then, but I still have phone alarms to remind me to take meds and when to eat. I force myself to get dressed every day, even if I am having severe depression. I make the bed. I now have a skin care routine that has almost eliminated the acne and the scars are fading. I keep my hair buzzed off so I don't have to deal with it at all - no bad hair days! I cook at least one meal a day and my diet has improved, letting my psoriasis clear up. 

But it is still not easy. I have nights where I really don't want to deal with washing my face and brushing my teeth. I still have trouble getting myself to take a full shower. I wash every day, but getting in the shower is like a sensory deprivation tank and it freaks me out. My current self-care project is changing that. It is a work in progress. 

Baby steps. It has taken 8 years to get to this point and I still can't take care of myself. My therapist and my psychiatrist are helping me deal with the fact that I will never be fully independent. It is a sobering thought.