Uncomfortably Numb

 It has been months since I have been able to put a coherent thought together. 2020 was a year of hard hits and constant pain. I wish I could be like most people and see hope in changing the calendar on the wall, but all I can see is more chaos and pain. 

My Snow Leopard tattoo.
It was two 9-hour sessions.

The best way I can describe the past year is getting a big tattoo, one of those that take 9 hours of sitting in the chair. At first it hurts. You feel every single prick of the needle and you wonder what the hell you were thinking. Yes, there will be so. awesome art when you're done, but is the pain really worth it? Then the numbness kicks in. The nerve endings get so overstimulated that they basically shut down. Sure there is pressure and occasional painful line, but you kind of zone out. Then, eventually, the artist starts going over the new tattoo with fine lines, color, and detail. By this time the whole area feels like something between a bad sunburn and road rash. The whole area kind of throbs and the new lines add to it. You just grit your teeth and hope that it is almost done. 

Well, that is definitely how this past year felt. At first I felt every single painful moment. I was terrified and angry. Here was a pandemic and our leaders were next to useless. I was hyper-sensitive to every news story and every report of rising numbers and deaths. Then I numbed out. I was hit with so much - not just the pandemic, but also floods, fires, hurricanes, shootings, riots, protests, etc. - that I finally just couldn't take it any more. I just shut down. I couldn't write. I couldn't even read. I was able to do thoughtless tasks like making jelly, sewing cloth masks, and binge-watching TV, but that was it. 

Now I am coming through the other side and it hurts. It hurts all over. Thanks to my special immune system, I have been on lockdown. There are a bare handful of places I can go, so most of my activities have been online. I do doctor appointments by video. I shop online or do car-side pickup. When I do go out, everyone is in masks and it reacts with my face blindness. I have no idea who people are. I have been dissociating most of the time. I have posted on Twitter every day with a short "day ??? of Lockdown" and yesterday was day 290. 

Oh, does it hurt. 290 days of not eating out. 290 days of not going to Target or Kohl's or any other shopping center. 290 days of not going to coffee with my friends. And there is no end in sight. There is a new mutations of the virus that has us shut down and no one knows if the new vaccine will work. As I write this, there are protesters storming the US. Capitol. Every medical test or visit is canceled or delayed because the entire healthcare system is reeling from the pandemic. 

I almost wish I could go back to being numb. It was horrible not connecting and not feeling, but it was better than this pain. I want to take the world in my hands and send love and healing throughout the cities, the towns, the forests ... I want to heal it all. But I can't even keep myself steady. There is no end in sight, and I am gritting my teeth and hoping it ends soon.