Yesterday I had a great visit with my friend Melody. She has been very supportive of me as I rediscover myself. And she had some great questions for me.
The most insightful was what does it mean to be Asexual. We talked about sexual attraction and I told her how I never really enjoyed sex. It was too much effort for too little return. And it didn't matter the number of partners or the gender. It was a relief when I moved to Utah and I was officially removed from the dating pool. No pressure.
But she dug deeper, and it really made me think. For instance, we were talking about one of our favorite shows "Lucifer". Tom Ellis is a magnificent specimen of a male, complete with butt dimples. And Leslie-Ann Brandt is gorgeous. As we talked about great scenes with Mr. Ellis' derrière, she asked what the attraction was if I had no desire for sex. After all, most people would have a sexual attraction to one or both of those actors.
I had to think hard to describe the attraction. And it finally clicked.
Have you ever watched a thoroughbred horse run or a big cat crouch and leap? They are beautiful. The muscles move smoothly under the skin and how they move is pure poetry. But as you watch them move, it isn't sexual. It is an appreciation for a beautiful animal in motion. That is how I feel about a well-proportioned human. I love watching dancers and gymnasts. The play of muscles as they run and leap is beautiful. And that is how I feel about Mr. Ellis or Ms. Brandt. They are works of art. I have no doubt that if Michelangelo were alive today, he would find either of them good models to be immortalized in marble.
But Asexual is more than lack of attraction. For me, it partners with being Agender. I have slowly been changing my outward appearance to match how I feel about myself. I am Transexual, but I do not want to become male. Instead I am moving toward androgyny. It is one of the many reasons I keep my head shaved. And I have scheduled my double mastectomy, which will happen in about a year. I am doing the simple mastectomy with no reconstruction. I other words, all the tissue taken and no nipples afterward. I cannot wait.
Again, Melody dug deeper. Why not just get a breast reduction? Why no nipples?
The answer is simply that, just as I do not see other people as sexual objects, I do not want to be one myself. To me, my DDD-sized breasts are extraneous lumps of fat hanging from my chest that attract unwanted attention. I need them completely gone. As for the nipples? I have no need for them. And without them there can be no question of whether it is "proper" for my chest to show.
She even asked about my wardrobe and how that would be different. I was wearing a sleeveless tunic that had darts and shirring around the neck so that it would fit nicely around the breasts. I hate it, but it fits. It will be one of the first pieces of clothing to go into the donation box. Some days I want to look pretty and I would love to be able to wear a nice, cool, spaghetti-strap sun dress without worrying about falling out of it. Some days I want to be able to wear a nice men's dress shirt without worrying about the buttons popping off (it has happened more than once). I want to be able to wear a muscle shirt to the gym and a regular tank top when I go out in the heat. I wonder what it would be like to be able to button up a cardigan without the buttons straining and looking like the slutty girl in a horror movie. My T-shirts would fit. Oh, I can't wait.
This is what Asexual and Agender look like for me. Some others might have different views. I would love to hear them.
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