One Step At A Time

So. I haven't even looked at my blog in years. Let's see if I can get myself going again. 

Cute Sophia pic for interest

I have been lost in the negative symptoms of schizophrenia. This means I have no energy, no oomph, and tend to fade into a dissociative state if I don't be careful. I can get lost in Social Media or a computer game for hours with no way to get myself to stop. I am even on Instagram or Facebook while I'm watching TV because unless it is a very intense show it is just not enough to keep my interest. And if I can't stay interested I tend to fidget: I pick at my skin, try to pull out my eyebrows, scratch at my scalp, etc. I have barely kept myself from cutting to distract my brain from the anxiety that just won't go away. 

I know that the main reason I can't get my anxiety under control is that I switched medications. I was on Clonazepam (a benzodiazepine) for years and it did a great job of keeping things under control. Then my psychiatrist died - I am still in mourning - and the new doc doesn't like using benzos. There is a good reason for that, but it was still hard to hear. I decided to go off of it and I learned the hard way the difference between a medication that is habit forming and one that is addictive. Going of the Clonazepam was the hardest thing I ever did. The withdrawal was horrible and it took months to slowly wean off of it. 

I am now on Propranolol (a beta blocker) for my anxiety and it works, but not very well. My baseline is higher than it was on the clonazepam and I just can't seem to function. I am just agitated all the time and no amount of calming breaths or anti-stress yoga can get rid of it. I am paralyzed. It's all I can do to just get up and feed myself. Even the simplest of task can take days for me to get into the mindset to get it done. And the negative thoughts are just a constant. They only time I get peace is when I listen to my music. The metal music drowns it out. This is no way to live. 

I was going to write something profound about September being Suicide Awareness Month, but I am just too close to the edge myself. I am just trying to keep myself distracted from the negative with cute cat posts and cooking videos. I am just a lost ball of anxiety trying to keep going.