Crawling

Even as I am writing this, I am listening to Linkin Park's "Crawling". It is so appropriate to how I feel right now.

I recently increased the dosage on my anti-depressant and I have been doing better. I felt well enough to attend 4 - yes FOUR - events for Pride Week. It left me exhausted both physically and mentally, but I wouldn't have missed a moment.

But that exhaustion caused some major problems. I had a couple of night where by the time I got to bed I was definitely hearing the voices louder and louder. I was able to sleep it off with a couple of days that included naps - I haven't had to do that for a while - and it subsided. Well, I thought I was recovered enough to go out this past Sunday. I spent some time at Affogato, my favorite coffee and good company spot, and took myself out to lunch.

Somewhere in there I got panicked and had to take extra meds to calm down. And then all hell broke loose. Somehow I messed up with my meds, and majorly. I didn't take the right meds at bedtime and I ended up without my anti-psychotic meds and some of my pain meds. I didn't sleep and I hurt like mad. I was totally miserable I finally took what I thought were extra pain meds at about 3 a.m., but I still couldn't sleep.

I realized my mistake when I went to get my breakfast-time meds. Everything was a mess. I ended up just dumping out 2 day's worth of meds and doing them over. I crossed my fingers and hoped we didn't end up with an overdose or a psychotic episode. The whole day was a blur. Nothing looked or felt real. I was shaking so bad that I kept dropping things. It was a horrible flashback to what it was like before my meds.

That night I took the correct meds and I slept like the dead. I felt better yesterday, but I was still shaky and distracted. I made the decision that I couldn't drive (the only reason my psychiatrist lets me keep my license is because he trusts me to know when I can drive and when I can't) and I had my dad drive me to run errands. I was really freaked out when I went to the lab for my semi-monthly blood draw and I didn't feel the needle, even though the phlebotomist had to hunt for my rolling vein. When I got home I ended up digging at my skin until I was bleeding and finally feeling pain.

This morning I am feeling a bit closer to "normal" but I have had what I call a reality shift. Basically everything has a different base color, like blue instead of yellow, and everything feels just a bit off. It's really hard to explain. I have had these before and nothing ever goes back. I just get used to it.

I am now paranoid about my meds again. And I was doing so well. I felt like I was actually walking through life again. Now I am back to crawling.