So it has been a while since I've posted anything. Basically, I have been either too stressed and anxious to write or doing so well I don't feel like I need to write. I can't seem to get off the damned roller coaster.
The good: It looks like we finally have a mix of medications and dosages that keeps me pretty even. I have had quite a few good days and I even broke out the easel and paints. I have been writing rough drafts of some essays that I a hoping to be able to put together as a book. I was cruising along pretty well, until ...
The bad: The blood work that my immunologist has me doing regularly has been showing increasing liver levels. They finally got above the "regular" levels and keep climbing. Several of my medications are metabolized primarily by the liver, so this could be cause for concern. He ordered an ultrasound of my liver and it didn't show any masses or cirrhosis, but there are fatty deposits throughout the organ. This diminishes the liver's normal function. So, I can now add Non-Alcoholic Fatty Liver Disease to my list. I did the round of doctor visits - and that really added to my stress - and we can't find any medications we can decrease or get rid of. As I mentioned under "good", we just got me functioning. So basically I just have to continue on and hope it doesn't get too bad too fast.
So, we wait and keep checking the levels. There is nothing that can reverse it. If I went off all my meds we could slow the progression, but that would be VERY BAD.
An added stressor has been my current therapist. Yes, that is a problem. You know it's not a good fit when you have anxiety attacks before the visit and don't feel much better after the fact. The therapist I have been seeing is my mom's therapist. Basically, we were trying the idea that any therapist was better than none. It was, to some extent, but it definitely wasn't ideal. His office was always messy - he would always have some sort of juice or smoothie combo on the coffee table and he would spend the first 10 to 15 minutes of the session getting things out of his mini fridge and mixing things in his mug and the stuff would overflow and he wouldn't clean it up and it triggered my OCD big time. And he would be late every single time. Not the kind of late where he was with another patient and they ran over. It was the kind of late where he was somewhere that was not the office and would finally come wandering in through the front door at 5 to 10 after. Oh, and he had a big painting of the St. George LDS Temple on his office wall and a small painting of Jesus on his desk. He told me he had no problem with me saying bad things about the LDS Church, but it made me uncomfortable. Not to mention, I believe that having something blatantly religious in a therapy office to be unprofessional. I can see how my LDS mother finds it comforting, but it rubbed me the wrong way.
After having another uncomfortable session with him, I actually posted on my Facebook that I was looking for a new therapist. A good friend of mine with whom I used to work gave me an excellent reference. I had an intake session with him and he is much better. He pays attention. His desk is a bit cluttered but the rest of the office is neat. His decorating is in the Japanese style, which I find beautiful and soothing. Fingers crossed that he works out.
Even with the good visit with the new therapist, I am still just on edge. I had too many doctor appointments. I had my annual gynecologic checkup, my annual eye exam, and my 6-month dental cleaning in the middle of all of this. The co-pays have left me completely broke and I am overwhelmed to the point where I have been hiding in my room for most of the day binge watching shows on my computer. I just can't even handle talking to my parents
And now, with my stress levels already elevated, we head into the holiday season. I'm sure I've mentioned in past years that I detest the holiday season. Everyone pretends to be all cheerful and giving, but really they are buying things they can't afford and push themselves to the breaking point to make everything perfect. Christmas seems to be the time of year that Christians act the least Christian. And don't even get me started on the rampant consumerism that isn't in the spirit of any of the Holy days that fall this time of year.
This ends that rant. I hope my roller coaster slows down a bit.
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