I am tired of fighting

Today I spent more than an hour with my psychiatrist filling out paperwork for my SSDI review. It was humbling and rather distressing to discover just how messed up I am. It really hit hard when he stated that my prognosis is I will never be able to live on my own and my illness is lifelong. 

Lifelong 

I was hit with clinical depression when I was 11 years old. I turn 48 this year. That is 37 years of fighting mental illness. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia when I was 19, although the doctor then said it sounded like I had an early onset and probably should have been diagnosed at 16 or 17. I was declared disabled due to schizoeffective disorder by my psychiatrist in 2012. 

How much longer will my lifelong illness last? Another 8 years? Another 37? How much longer am I expected to fight?

I have to admit I'm feeling rather selfish right now. Usually I can fight suicidal thoughts by thinking of all the people who would miss me. But now I'm thinking of the communication lapse between me and my siblings and my nieces and nephews. I am thinking that those people I smile at when I'm shopping can get their smile somewhere else. I'm thinking that this world is completely fucked up right now, so my smiles don't mean shit.

I am tired. I really want to just rest. I don't want to wake up tomorrow and have to start it all over again. I don't want to take all my meds. I don't want to be stuck with my limited diet anymore. I am tired of hurting. I am tired of trying to figure out which voices are real and which aren't. I don't want to go to any more doctors appointments or get any more blood tests or x-rays. 

I just want to rest.