Overburdened

This song from Disturbed sums up how I often feel when I am depressed.

"Hell is still overburdened
I must stand and wait in line
I may never know for certain
When will be my time"

I feel like my life is going on and on and I am being punished for something. It doesn't help that when I was a teenager and I started hearing voices that the church official I went to for advice told me that women can not be prophets so if I was hearing voices it was the devil. When I couldn't think of anything I could possibly have done to let the devil in - I was a major Goody Two Shoes when I was a kid - he told me it had to be something I had done before this life.

Who the hell tells that to a 16-year-old?

That has stuck with me. Whenever things get really bad I can't help but believe that I am being punished. Why else would I have multiple chronic health problems? What kind of god would do that to one of his children unless it was punishment?

I am no longer Christian, which helps most of time. But again, when things go bad, that man's face comes to me and that feeling of shame just washes over me. And I believe all over again that I am only here because hell is overburdened and I am waiting in line.

Here is the whole song - "Overburdened" by Disturbed.