Next, I recieved a letter from the Social Security office saying that they had not received paperwork back from my psychiatrist. Since my reason for disability is schizoeffective disorder, this was a big deal. Ramp up my anxiety.
A major cold front went through early Monday morning. We went from a high of 63 degrees Fahrenheit on Sunday to a high of 44 on Monday with a wind chill of 33. My arthritis and nerve pain skyrocketed and I had trouble sleeping because of the pain. Ramp up my anxiety.
I got a call from my psychiatrist saying that he had my paperwork from Social Security. They had originally sent him the wrong paperwork, which is why he hadn't filled it out yet. He scraped together an hour for us to go over the paperwork. This was a good thing, but it still ramped up my anxiety.
I had a pedicure. This was a wonderful break. I needed it. It calmed things down temporarily.
I met my psychiatrist to go over the Social Security paperwork. We spent 1 1/2 hours on it and I just got more and more anxious as he went through the questions with me. It was wonderful that he did this for me, but every answer that detailed just how messed up I am started to replace the anxiety with depression. The final question he had to answer was what was my prognosis. The answer? Permanently disabled; cannot live on her own; lifelong disability. Of course he put it in more clinical terms, but that was the gist of it.
It hit me really hard. As I mentioned in my past entry I Am Tired of Fighting, that word lifelong really hit me in a bad way. On Thursday, I couldn't drag myself out of bed. I finally crawled out at about 1 p.m. and then I spent most of the day hiding in my room. I couldn't even talk to my parents. I ate protein bars and nothing else because I couldn't get myself to cook anything.
Whenever the depression hits like that, I get into the down spiral of "why can't I". I want to eat normal food. I want a donut. I want to eat a real pizza with real cheese. I want eat what I want without needing to keep track of the ingredients. I want to go at least a day without taking any poison (prescription medications). I want to walk without a cane. I want to be able to go on a hike. I want to not hurt. I want to go a month without needing x-rays or blood tests. I want to be able to trust what I see and hear. I just want NORMAL!
It is so hard to pull myself out of this tailspin that this perfect storm put me in. I am trying to drag myself out of the tar pit that wants to suck me down to destructive acts like cutting and over medicating. I am trying, but it isn't easy.
I got a call from my psychiatrist saying that he had my paperwork from Social Security. They had originally sent him the wrong paperwork, which is why he hadn't filled it out yet. He scraped together an hour for us to go over the paperwork. This was a good thing, but it still ramped up my anxiety.
I had a pedicure. This was a wonderful break. I needed it. It calmed things down temporarily.
I met my psychiatrist to go over the Social Security paperwork. We spent 1 1/2 hours on it and I just got more and more anxious as he went through the questions with me. It was wonderful that he did this for me, but every answer that detailed just how messed up I am started to replace the anxiety with depression. The final question he had to answer was what was my prognosis. The answer? Permanently disabled; cannot live on her own; lifelong disability. Of course he put it in more clinical terms, but that was the gist of it.
It hit me really hard. As I mentioned in my past entry I Am Tired of Fighting, that word lifelong really hit me in a bad way. On Thursday, I couldn't drag myself out of bed. I finally crawled out at about 1 p.m. and then I spent most of the day hiding in my room. I couldn't even talk to my parents. I ate protein bars and nothing else because I couldn't get myself to cook anything.
Whenever the depression hits like that, I get into the down spiral of "why can't I". I want to eat normal food. I want a donut. I want to eat a real pizza with real cheese. I want eat what I want without needing to keep track of the ingredients. I want to go at least a day without taking any poison (prescription medications). I want to walk without a cane. I want to be able to go on a hike. I want to not hurt. I want to go a month without needing x-rays or blood tests. I want to be able to trust what I see and hear. I just want NORMAL!
It is so hard to pull myself out of this tailspin that this perfect storm put me in. I am trying to drag myself out of the tar pit that wants to suck me down to destructive acts like cutting and over medicating. I am trying, but it isn't easy.
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