A Perfect Storm

I have had the week from hell. No one thing made it so horrible. It was a bunch of different things coming together to create the perfect storm for a mental breakdown.

First, my parents and I had to fill out questionnaires so that the state can determine whether I am still eligible for disability. Ramp up my anxiety.

Next, I recieved a letter from the Social Security office saying that they had not received paperwork back from my psychiatrist. Since my reason for disability is schizoeffective disorder, this was a big deal. Ramp up my anxiety.

A major cold front went through early Monday morning. We went from a high of 63 degrees Fahrenheit on Sunday to a high of 44 on Monday with a wind chill of 33. My arthritis and nerve pain skyrocketed and I had trouble sleeping because of the pain. Ramp up my anxiety.

I got a call from my psychiatrist saying that he had my paperwork from Social Security. They had originally sent him the wrong paperwork, which is why he hadn't filled it out yet. He scraped together an hour for us to go over the paperwork. This was a good thing, but it still ramped up my anxiety.

I had a pedicure. This was a wonderful break. I needed it. It calmed things down temporarily.

I met my psychiatrist to go over the Social Security paperwork. We spent 1 1/2 hours on it and I just got more and more anxious as he went through the questions with me. It was wonderful that he did this for me, but every answer that detailed just how messed up I am started to replace the anxiety with depression. The final question he had to answer was what was my prognosis. The answer? Permanently disabled; cannot live on her own; lifelong disability. Of course he put it in more clinical terms, but that was the gist of it.

It hit me really hard. As I mentioned in my past entry I Am Tired of Fighting, that word lifelong really hit me in a bad way. On Thursday, I couldn't drag myself out of bed. I finally crawled out at about 1 p.m. and then I spent most of the day hiding in my room. I couldn't even talk to my parents. I ate protein bars and nothing else because I couldn't get myself to cook anything.

Whenever the depression hits like that, I get into the down spiral of "why can't I". I want to eat normal food. I want a donut. I want to eat a real pizza with real cheese. I want eat what I want without needing to keep track of  the ingredients. I want to go at least a day without taking any poison (prescription medications). I want to walk without a cane. I want to be able to go on a hike. I want to not hurt. I want to go a month without needing x-rays or blood tests. I want to be able to trust what I see and hear. I just want NORMAL!

It is so hard to pull myself out of this tailspin that this perfect storm put me in. I am trying to drag myself out of the tar pit that wants to suck me down to destructive acts like cutting and over medicating. I am trying, but it isn't easy. 

Tired Of Being Alone In A Crowd

Every year I set aside the money and the time to attend one or two fundraiser dinners/galas. Every year, I spend days before the events stressing out and days afterword depressed and borderline suicidal. Well, I don't think I can do it any more.

The problem is that I am always alone, even if a know a couple dozen people there. I buy my ticket alone. I am assigned a table with strangers. I arrive alone. I wander the auction tables alone. I eat what little I can at a table full of conversation that I cannot follow. Nothing is more lonely that being alone in a crowd.

I always try to be part of a group. I will ask friends ahead of time if they are going and get excited when they say yes. This time, I tell myself, it will be different. I will be with people, not just wandering in a crowd. But it never works out that way. Yes, my friends are there, but they are too busy for me. I will get a hug and a "Oh, I am so glad to see you. You look wonderful. blah, blah, blah ... " And then they turn away to talk to someone else and I am left in that awkward empty space between conversation groups. I always hope I will be drawn into one, but my attempts to wedge my way into the topic just falls flat.

And so I sit by myself and sip lemonade, then wander through the auctions, then try to start a conversation with someone else only to find out that they don't remember who I am, then I sit at the table for a while longer, then there is the awkward dinner where I can only eat the broccoli and don't know anyone else at the table, then there is the entertainment and that point in the evening where everyone at my table breaks off into groups and I am sitting there again sipping lemonade and wondering why I am sitting there wearing makeup.

I was planning to go to the annual Equality Utah event this May. I go every year and it is a great group of people and a great cause. I was just sitting here trying to figure out how I am going to afford the $100 for the ticket and I couldn't help but think of last year's event. Last year there were people who were bending over backward to get me there. They saved a handicap parking space for me and told me which buffet lines had the vegan food. I even shared a dinner table with a man I have known for years. Only he didn't remember who I was - I guess he was more memorable to me that I was to him, which made it terribly awkward. I ended up picking at the food while he and his husband chatted with the other couple.

By the end of it all - the same old lonely thing that always happens - I barely made it to my car before I started sobbing.

The worst part is that I don't know why I always end up alone. Yes, I think differently that most people. I can't help it; my brain works different. But people always say they are my friends and that they enjoy having me at the dinner or lunch or party. But something always goes wrong. All I can think is that the world is too busy to pay any attention to me and I don't know enough about how "normal" people act to fit in.

I'm tired of it. I am tired of invitations that don't pan out. I am tired of parties that fall flat. I am tired of being alone in the middle of a crowd of friends. I am exhausted from trying to be social with people who don't reciprocated.

I think I'll just make a donation and stay home.