OCD In The Time Of Pandemic

Wow. There is nothing like a panic across the nation to kick a person's Obsessive Compulsive Disorder into overdrive. Add a bit of paranoia from my schizophrenia and it makes things really fun.

I have had no human contact for almost 2 weeks now. If you follow this blog, you know that I live with my parents. Ideally that would mean at least 2 people I can hug or otherwise get comfort from. But my dad goes out in public to do the shopping and other necessities and my mom is constantly in physical contact with him. My immune system is special so I have made it a habit to avoid contact.

I was OK for the first week or so with just avoiding direct contact. But now things are getting bad.

My OCD goes far beyond just compulsive hand washing. I have several nervous tics that I have to perform before I go to bed, before I leave the house, etc. They are minor and don't cause any inconvenience. I doubt anyone but me has even noticed. I don't mind dirt. In fact, I love it. I am at home in the garden and I have no problems getting down in the soil and handling what other people think are gross, such as worms, insects, and snakes. I am arachnophobic, but I can work around that.

But there are other things that most people find harmless that completely freak me out. One big one is flour. I have celiacs and cannot eat any gluten, but my OCD makes me panic whenever there is anything wheat-based on the kitchen counters. If one of my parents leaves bread or cracker crumbs on the counter, I cannot touch it. I will carefully wipe it off, then use Clorox wipes to sanitize the area. But if my mom is baking and gets flour all over, I am paralyzed. I cannot go anywhere near it. Logically I know that touching it won't make me sick - I have to eat it for me to react - but logic has nothing to do with it. I cannot go near the kitchen and I have actually had panic attacks because I need to get something to eat, but I cannot get past the flour.

Another manifestation of my OCD is that I can "see" germs. This part of my OCD is usually under control, but when it gets bad it seriously affects my life. If someone else uses my bathroom, I have to spray it down and wash off all the surfaces before I can use it. If my parents have been cooking with wheat, meat, or anything else that I cannot eat, I have to sanitize the kitchen. I will even spray the air because I can "see" the germs and contaminants floating in the air.

This is the stage I am in right now. My parents just got back from doctor's appointment and they stopped and got lunch. They were kind enough to get me some fries, which I love. They put the bags of food on the counter and my dad dished out my fries. I couldn't touch them. I asked my dad to put them in a container and put them in the fridge so I can eat them later. Then, when he wasn't looking, I wiped down the outside of the container. And I will have to heat the fries to kill any germs before I eat them. He had to buy more Clorox wipes because I keep wiping down the counters, the table, the chairs, the TV remotes, even the coasters on the side table. Every night before I go to bed I use sage to clear out the air in my bedroom so that I can sleep safe. The cats are lucky I'm not spraying them, too.

I have been staying in my room as much as possible so that I don't have any contact. I am trying hard to not let the germs rule my actions, but it is hard. I don't want my OCD to rule my actions, but it is hard when there is a viral pandemic going on outside the safety of my room.