Social Anxiety and Social Distancing

The past 6 months or so have been an experiment for me. I have a hard time creating close relationships with other people. I see things differently - that has been proven - and finding someone who sees things even a little bit the same is rare. The result is social anxiety.

One thing that surprises most people is that I have no problem speaking in public. To me it is logical. When I am before an audience, there is a separation between me and everyone else. Even if I am taking questions, that separation remains. I am in control of how much of my self is on display. But when it comes to one-on-one, I am exposed. There has to be some sort of connection, and that can be terrifying.

For years now I have operated in a halfway state between public speaking and one-on-one. I will go out and I will meet people I know. We may chat a bit and hugs are usually exchanged (I love hugs), but I avoid sitting down and talking one-on-one. I keep a distance. The result is having a lot of close acquaintances, but no close friends. Corrections: I have good, close friends, but none of them are local. They are friendships that have remained from my days in Los Angeles.

A few months ago someone came into my life and got me out of my comfort zone. Her name is Melody and we have been Facebook friends for years. But one Saturday she messaged me an invitation to a coffee meeting of the Southern Utah Pagan Alliance (SUPA). I was actually having a good day, so I decided to go. And it was wonderful. Melody saw me and came over and hugged me and I could feel the warm, welcoming energy just gushing off of her. The others there were welcoming, too, and we talked about wonderful things.

I was completely exhausted afterward and could barely function for several days, but it got me thinking. Here was a group similar to the one I was so close with in LA. And Melody didn't let me hide away. She messaged me and made sure I was doing good. She understood social anxiety. She understood my chronic illness. She got me out both one-on-one and a group and has supported me the whole time.

I am finally feeling a close relationship with someone who is here, who I can meet for coffee or thrift store shopping. It is a bit scary, but it is also wonderful.

And now the brakes have been hit hard. Thanks to the Corona Virus and its lack of any vaccine and my messed up immune system, my inroads into beating my social anxiety have come to a screeching halt. My immunologist actually called me and told me to go into lockdown before the government started putting restrictions on social gatherings. And my OCD has gone into overload.

I am stuck in the house with my parents and cannot go anywhere. I have messaged Melody and a few other people, but it just isn't the same. And I can feel myself regressing on the social front. I can't even hug my parents because my Dad goes out shopping and such and my mom is in regular physical contact with him. The no hug thing is hard. So far I have kept the depression at bay, but I am rather frightened of how my mental health will hold up over the upcoming weeks of social distancing.

I sincerely hope that my wins over my social anxiety don't get erased as I am forces to retreat into solitude.