When I Am Cut

Cutting and other types of self harm are a taboo subject even in Mental Health circles. I really don't know why that is. After all, self harm is one symptom of anxiety, OCD, depression, and other illnesses that can be seen clearly if you are looking for it.

I have had even therapists say that self harm - especially cutting - is a bid for attention. Needless to say, I didn't go back to that therapist again and even reported him. It is not a bid for attention. Never. But it is a cry for help. As someone who has cut, I can tell you that it is symptom of severe trauma. Basically, the physical pain of cutting, hair pulling, skin gouging, and other types of self harm is used to overwhelm the mental pain.

In the past, I have used cutting to confirm that this life is real. Schizophrenia can cause dissociation, a mental detachment. Even on good days I will often touch things - the wall, the table, the bookshelves, etc. - to make sure that they are real and solid. On bad days that doesn't help and I have to hurt myself in some way to ground myself. Cutting is the severe form. My most common type of self harm is trichotillomania - compulsive hair pulling. I will yank out chunks of hair or pull out my eyelashes to cause a physical pain to calm my anxiety. I actually keep my hair in a buzz cut to prevent this. I also have dermotillomania - compulsive digging and gouging at the skin. To help prevent this, I keep my fingernails very short and put on nail polish so that the edges are duller. Still, if I have any kind of scab or acne, it is very hard to leave it alone. I am covered with scars on my arms, shoulders, and face from past digging. I can't even cut my own toenails because I will cut and gouge until there is almost no nail left.

Then there is the actual cutting. Most of the cutting scars are on my forearms and I have covered them with tattoos. This actually helps keep me from further cutting on my arms because I don't want to damage the art. I have also cut on my legs, but the added step of needing to remove pants gives me more time to work through the anxiety before I resort to using a knife.

This past week, with the added stress from filling out paperwork and questionnaires to keep my disability payments, I have been close to cutting. Last night I had a panic attack about the possibility of my Social Security being taken away. I had the knife in my hand and was sitting there crying as I traced the scars I have on my lower leg. Fortunately one of my cats came up and started rubbing against my leg, purring like mad. It is not the first time one of my cats has come to the rescue.

And talking about it helps. We need to remove the stigma of self harm. That is the only way to get to the bottom of the Mental Health issues that lie beneath.

On topic of being able to talk about hard topics, the band Plumb has a beautiful song called "Cut" that deals with the topic.