What The Future Holds

I know I'm not the only one who is anxious about what the future might look like. We have a deadly pandemic, nation-wide protests, and a leadership that is completely incompetent. I feel like I am living a George Orwell novel. 

On Twitter, I have been keeping a log of what my days have been like on lockdown due to Covid-19. I am now on day 89. Yes, I have been able to leave the house a few times, but I am still basically confined to my house and garden. I had a follower on Twitter ask me why I am still counting days of lockdown when the Governor of Utah has loosened the quarantine and restaurants and stores are opening. Well, the answer is simple: My immune system doesn't work right. Even if the average person feels safe going out, I don't. On my rare outings, I wear a heavy-duty mask and spray just about everything with my hand sanitizer. I have to be super careful. 

Even if they came out with a working vaccine tomorrow, I would still be on lockdown. For me, vaccines don't "stick". For instance, the last few times I got the flu vaccine, I was sick for a week after because my body reacted to the vaccine like it was the actual virus. And then the antibodies wouldn't stay around and I would end up with the flu anyway, and it would knock me down for 2 to 3 weeks. My immunologist finally told me not to get them any more. I have to depend on the people around me to get the vaccine to keep me safe. If we started vaccinating for Covid-19, I would have to wait months for enough people around me to be vaccinated for me to be safe. 

And that is with a vaccine. Shops are opening. Restaurants are opening. State and National Parks are opening. Golf Courses are opening. The Las Vegas Strip is opening. And the number of cases here in Washington County, Utah, has tripled in the past week. And that is despite a decrease in testing. If they were testing like they were a month ago, the numbers would be much higher. And what is the deal with that? Not testing doesn't make the virus go away, no matter what our Idiot In Chief might say. 

Basically I will be on lockdown for the long haul, and I really don't know how to deal with that reality. My dissociation is getting worse because the news from around the world is just too surreal. It doesn't feel real. I am just trying to hang on and not freak out about what the future may hold. 

A Long Time Silent

So ... I haven't written in a long time. Basically I have no idea how to process what has been going on in the world, so I don't know what to write.

I have been anxious. I have been panicked. I have been disconnected. I am having night terrors. I am scared to watch the news and scared to not know what's going on. I sm basically confused. 

I have been video chatting with friends, doctors,  and my therapist. This social distancing has caused me to dissociate. I didn't realize this until my cat Bubbaloo slipped and scratched my leg badly. The sting of the scratch gave me the overwhelming urge to cut just so I could feel real. I have been fighting the urge ever since. 

I talked on the phone with my psychiatrist today - again, the disconnect - about the dissociation, but there really isn't anything we can do medically. My anti-psychotic and anti-anxiety meds make dissociation worse. We bounced some ideas around, but nothing was really decided. 

So, my plans for this week are to not freak out, not harm myself, and not have a meltdown. Wish me luck. 

When I Am Cut

Cutting and other types of self harm are a taboo subject even in Mental Health circles. I really don't know why that is. After all, self harm is one symptom of anxiety, OCD, depression, and other illnesses that can be seen clearly if you are looking for it.

I have had even therapists say that self harm - especially cutting - is a bid for attention. Needless to say, I didn't go back to that therapist again and even reported him. It is not a bid for attention. Never. But it is a cry for help. As someone who has cut, I can tell you that it is symptom of severe trauma. Basically, the physical pain of cutting, hair pulling, skin gouging, and other types of self harm is used to overwhelm the mental pain.

In the past, I have used cutting to confirm that this life is real. Schizophrenia can cause dissociation, a mental detachment. Even on good days I will often touch things - the wall, the table, the bookshelves, etc. - to make sure that they are real and solid. On bad days that doesn't help and I have to hurt myself in some way to ground myself. Cutting is the severe form. My most common type of self harm is trichotillomania - compulsive hair pulling. I will yank out chunks of hair or pull out my eyelashes to cause a physical pain to calm my anxiety. I actually keep my hair in a buzz cut to prevent this. I also have dermotillomania - compulsive digging and gouging at the skin. To help prevent this, I keep my fingernails very short and put on nail polish so that the edges are duller. Still, if I have any kind of scab or acne, it is very hard to leave it alone. I am covered with scars on my arms, shoulders, and face from past digging. I can't even cut my own toenails because I will cut and gouge until there is almost no nail left.

Then there is the actual cutting. Most of the cutting scars are on my forearms and I have covered them with tattoos. This actually helps keep me from further cutting on my arms because I don't want to damage the art. I have also cut on my legs, but the added step of needing to remove pants gives me more time to work through the anxiety before I resort to using a knife.

This past week, with the added stress from filling out paperwork and questionnaires to keep my disability payments, I have been close to cutting. Last night I had a panic attack about the possibility of my Social Security being taken away. I had the knife in my hand and was sitting there crying as I traced the scars I have on my lower leg. Fortunately one of my cats came up and started rubbing against my leg, purring like mad. It is not the first time one of my cats has come to the rescue.

And talking about it helps. We need to remove the stigma of self harm. That is the only way to get to the bottom of the Mental Health issues that lie beneath.

On topic of being able to talk about hard topics, the band Plumb has a beautiful song called "Cut" that deals with the topic.