A Long Time Silent

So ... I haven't written in a long time. Basically I have no idea how to process what has been going on in the world, so I don't know what to write.

I have been anxious. I have been panicked. I have been disconnected. I am having night terrors. I am scared to watch the news and scared to not know what's going on. I sm basically confused. 

I have been video chatting with friends, doctors,  and my therapist. This social distancing has caused me to dissociate. I didn't realize this until my cat Bubbaloo slipped and scratched my leg badly. The sting of the scratch gave me the overwhelming urge to cut just so I could feel real. I have been fighting the urge ever since. 

I talked on the phone with my psychiatrist today - again, the disconnect - about the dissociation, but there really isn't anything we can do medically. My anti-psychotic and anti-anxiety meds make dissociation worse. We bounced some ideas around, but nothing was really decided. 

So, my plans for this week are to not freak out, not harm myself, and not have a meltdown. Wish me luck. 

Panic and Depression

So, my writing challenge totally derailed. So did just about anything else. I am not doing well.

Like most people on lock down during this pandemic, my days are blurring together. I actually called a doctor's office yesterday with a question about billing and got pissed off because no one called me back. Finally it occurred to me that it was Saturday. Ugh!

At the beginning of this lock down I did a good job of getting out into the garden, painting, and doing other projects to keep myself occupied. Well, the depression kicked in and now I am having a hard time just getting out of bed. I have been binge eating things I shouldn't - those Cadbury mini eggs are addictive - and my arthritis is bad and my gout is actually flaring for the first time in years. No more yummy little eggs for me! And the fact that I cannot go anywhere is really getting to me.

One of the hardest things is the lack of social or physical contact. My dad is able to go out and do shopping and he takes precautions to prevent catching the Coronavirus, but I still am reluctant to touch him or my mom. And I am missing my friends. A few have stopped by to pick up some of the masks I have made, but we have no physical contact. I hadn't realized how much I depended on hugs from others to keep the depression at bay.

And I seem to be always on the verge of a panic attack. I have mentioned before that my OCD is in overdrive. That hasn't changed. To make it worse, my dad is tearing out the old tile in the kitchen so he can put in new flooring and there is dust all over everything. I logically know it is harmless, but it is making me freak out. My OCD had connected the dust to the virus - how fun is that? - and I am panicking any time I go into the kitchen and touch a surface that hasn't been wiped down yet. And to make matters even worse, I cannot go barefoot because of the rough edges and pieces of grout. I never wear shoes in the house because my brain associates shoes with contaminates from outside.

So, I am not doing well. I am panicked because the whole world is in turmoil. I have no social contact. I have to wear shoes. I can't go anywhere. Everything outside is contaminated. I have to have my therapy sessions over the computer. Nothing is "right". Everything is totally messed up.

I am fighting, but it is feeling hopeless right now.

Finding Peace

Wow, there is nothing like a head cold to put a halt on any sort of writing. Does anyone else feel like their brain cells just freeze up when your sinuses are clogged? Ugh!

My last entry was about anxiety triggers. I talked to my therapist about being more proactive in dealing with my anxiety and panic attacks. What he told me is so simple I could kick myself for not thinking of it earlier.

He told me to go back to my root and find my link to my spirituality. OK, he didn't word it exactly like that, but it is close. I had a therapist in the past who told me flat out that I needed to go back to the Mormon church if I was ever going to recover. Yeah, that's BS, since a lot of my panic triggers go back to that upbringing. But my current therapist worded it very differently. He knows I am a pagan and that I consider myself spiritual instead of religious. He is Mormon, but keeps it out of the sessions. And even though he doesn't understand my spiritual path, he respects it.

He told me to look back and find memories where I was at peace. Then take those moments and find out what they had in common. I could then meditate with those moments as a focus and train my mind to find that peace when I started to feel panicked.

I thought about it for a couple of days, and then went to work. For the first time in years I built an altar. I cleared off one shelf on one of my bookshelves, a low shelf where it would be near eye level while I was sitting on the floor. Sitting on the floor helps me feel grounded. It is a simple altar, with a dish of rocks, including some lava rock that I pulled directly from the active lava flow in Hawaii. I put my raven statuette on one side and the bull carving I got from my grandma (who was also a Taurus) on the other. I put a couple of LED candles at the back - I don't dare use real candles on the shelf. Books plus fire equals bad. But I do have a big pillar candle that I put on the floor in front of me and light while I am meditating.

Well, it has bee 4 days in a row so far - yay me! - and I am sleeping better. I am not so panicked when I wake up in the morning. My plan is to meditate every day before bed. My hope is to be able to hold onto my inner peace.

Triggers

I once read an amazing book - I am currently blanking on the title; I will post it if I remember - that said that everyone, no matter what pain or grief they are experiencing, experiences a moment of calm and grace when they first wake up. It said that it takes the brain a few moments to remember the world and if you can remember that calm while meditating, you can diminish your pain. 

Yeah, it was a great book - except for that part. Every single day I wake up in a panic. 

My life is a minefield. I know what some of my anxiety triggers are and I actively try to reduce my reactions to them. But there are other triggers that sneak up on me. I can be sitting on the couch, walking through the grocery store, or sitting in a coffee shop and something - a smell, a color, a sound - will trigger my anxiety. A lot of the time I can't identify what the trigger was, I just know that I am suddenly in a panic.

I don't know what it is about waking up that causes the panic. I think it is likely tied to the reluctance I have to go to bed at night because I know that I will have to wake up in the morning and deal with all the pain and mental confusion all over again. It is an unending battle and my brain wakes me ready to raise my shield once again. My subconscious has trained my conscious mind to immediately be ready to fight my demons. 

I have tried a lot of different methods of therapy and meditations, but those triggers still lurk where I cannot see them until I am right on top of them. And the known triggers still hit me hard even though I have tried a million ways to lessen their impact. 

Is it any wonder I am reluctant to leave the house? Yes, I have triggers at home, but they are the ones I know. It is horrible to be out in public and start freaking out. I have learned to hide my panic from others, but that just makes it worse in the long run. I had a panic attack yesterday while out with a friend and I am still feeling shaky from it. At least if I am at home I can take extra anxiety meds, which I can't do if I'm out and about because I cannot drive if I take them. 

I am trying. I really am. I would give a fortune to have that moment of grace that book talked about. I think I could deal with my landmines a lot better if I had some calm to cling to.