Panic and Depression

So, my writing challenge totally derailed. So did just about anything else. I am not doing well.

Like most people on lock down during this pandemic, my days are blurring together. I actually called a doctor's office yesterday with a question about billing and got pissed off because no one called me back. Finally it occurred to me that it was Saturday. Ugh!

At the beginning of this lock down I did a good job of getting out into the garden, painting, and doing other projects to keep myself occupied. Well, the depression kicked in and now I am having a hard time just getting out of bed. I have been binge eating things I shouldn't - those Cadbury mini eggs are addictive - and my arthritis is bad and my gout is actually flaring for the first time in years. No more yummy little eggs for me! And the fact that I cannot go anywhere is really getting to me.

One of the hardest things is the lack of social or physical contact. My dad is able to go out and do shopping and he takes precautions to prevent catching the Coronavirus, but I still am reluctant to touch him or my mom. And I am missing my friends. A few have stopped by to pick up some of the masks I have made, but we have no physical contact. I hadn't realized how much I depended on hugs from others to keep the depression at bay.

And I seem to be always on the verge of a panic attack. I have mentioned before that my OCD is in overdrive. That hasn't changed. To make it worse, my dad is tearing out the old tile in the kitchen so he can put in new flooring and there is dust all over everything. I logically know it is harmless, but it is making me freak out. My OCD had connected the dust to the virus - how fun is that? - and I am panicking any time I go into the kitchen and touch a surface that hasn't been wiped down yet. And to make matters even worse, I cannot go barefoot because of the rough edges and pieces of grout. I never wear shoes in the house because my brain associates shoes with contaminates from outside.

So, I am not doing well. I am panicked because the whole world is in turmoil. I have no social contact. I have to wear shoes. I can't go anywhere. Everything outside is contaminated. I have to have my therapy sessions over the computer. Nothing is "right". Everything is totally messed up.

I am fighting, but it is feeling hopeless right now.