A Long Time Silent

So ... I haven't written in a long time. Basically I have no idea how to process what has been going on in the world, so I don't know what to write.

I have been anxious. I have been panicked. I have been disconnected. I am having night terrors. I am scared to watch the news and scared to not know what's going on. I sm basically confused. 

I have been video chatting with friends, doctors,  and my therapist. This social distancing has caused me to dissociate. I didn't realize this until my cat Bubbaloo slipped and scratched my leg badly. The sting of the scratch gave me the overwhelming urge to cut just so I could feel real. I have been fighting the urge ever since. 

I talked on the phone with my psychiatrist today - again, the disconnect - about the dissociation, but there really isn't anything we can do medically. My anti-psychotic and anti-anxiety meds make dissociation worse. We bounced some ideas around, but nothing was really decided. 

So, my plans for this week are to not freak out, not harm myself, and not have a meltdown. Wish me luck.