Triggers

I once read an amazing book - I am currently blanking on the title; I will post it if I remember - that said that everyone, no matter what pain or grief they are experiencing, experiences a moment of calm and grace when they first wake up. It said that it takes the brain a few moments to remember the world and if you can remember that calm while meditating, you can diminish your pain. 

Yeah, it was a great book - except for that part. Every single day I wake up in a panic. 

My life is a minefield. I know what some of my anxiety triggers are and I actively try to reduce my reactions to them. But there are other triggers that sneak up on me. I can be sitting on the couch, walking through the grocery store, or sitting in a coffee shop and something - a smell, a color, a sound - will trigger my anxiety. A lot of the time I can't identify what the trigger was, I just know that I am suddenly in a panic.

I don't know what it is about waking up that causes the panic. I think it is likely tied to the reluctance I have to go to bed at night because I know that I will have to wake up in the morning and deal with all the pain and mental confusion all over again. It is an unending battle and my brain wakes me ready to raise my shield once again. My subconscious has trained my conscious mind to immediately be ready to fight my demons. 

I have tried a lot of different methods of therapy and meditations, but those triggers still lurk where I cannot see them until I am right on top of them. And the known triggers still hit me hard even though I have tried a million ways to lessen their impact. 

Is it any wonder I am reluctant to leave the house? Yes, I have triggers at home, but they are the ones I know. It is horrible to be out in public and start freaking out. I have learned to hide my panic from others, but that just makes it worse in the long run. I had a panic attack yesterday while out with a friend and I am still feeling shaky from it. At least if I am at home I can take extra anxiety meds, which I can't do if I'm out and about because I cannot drive if I take them. 

I am trying. I really am. I would give a fortune to have that moment of grace that book talked about. I think I could deal with my landmines a lot better if I had some calm to cling to.